I LOVE MEAT!
by MortalSora
Summary: Prepare to enter the weird world of Magnus' fanfic! Chap. 8! Turel summons the Ducky Summon and Moebius summons Middle-Fingerkachu!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: No own LoK or its characters or any mechanical monkeys or robotic sheep _____________________________________________________________  
  
A/N: Okay, this fic may not be very weird at first, but by the end it'll be plenty weird. Oh, and Magnus' actual fanfic doesn't begin until {Magnus' Fanfic begins} comes up and ends when {Magnus' Fanfic ends} comes up. Well, hope you'll enjoy this!  
  
  
  
[The scene ISN'T the Pillars, but instead it's Moebius' house. Magnus has snuck in and decides to steal Moebius' computer then spray paint "Moebius is stupid on a wall. When Magnus snatched the computer, Moebius came down and saw him]  
  
Moebius: (in uber-whiny voice) Heeeeeey, what're you doing?  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS IS STEALING MOEBIUS' COMPUTER!  
  
Moebius: But it's mine!! I'll get my two girlfriends to beat you up!  
  
Magnus: OHH, MAGNUS IS REALLY SCARRED!! NOT!  
  
Moebius: Girlfriends, help me!  
  
(then the Olsen twins come down the stairs from Moebius' room)  
  
Magnus: MOEBIUS IS AN OLD LOSER!  
  
Mary-Kate: No he's not, he's handsome!  
  
Ashley: Yeah, he's the perfect gentleman!  
  
Moebius: Ha!  
  
Magnus: OH LORD, MOEBIUS IS PATHETIC!  
  
Mary-Kate: Don't say such things about him!  
  
Ashley: Yeah! He can kick your butt!  
  
(then Magnus ate the Olsen twins)  
  
Moebius: (screams like a sissy)  
  
Magnus: OH COME ON, MAGNUS SIN'T EVEN A MAN!  
  
Moebius: Yes I am!  
  
(then Mabes enters, who was listening to the argument)  
  
Mabes: Yeah, he IS A MAN! JUST CAUSE he didn't hit puberty till he was 90 years old  
  
doesn't mean I thing!! Do you have sugar Magnus?  
  
Magnus: YOU PEOPLE ARE FREAKS!! I'M RUNNING AWAY!  
  
(then Magnus runs away with Moebius' computer)  
  
Mabes: HEY, YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME IF YOU HAD ANY SUGAR CUBES!!  
  
(then Mabes goes prancing around like the hyperactive mother she is and Moebius is  
  
miserable)  
  
[The scene is now the Pillars, and it's nighttime and everyone's asleep. Magnus sneaks in and plugs the computer up because the only socket in Nosgoth was in the Pillars. Magnus turned the computer on and was halfway through with writing his fanfic when Raziel woke up and found him]  
  
Raziel: What're you doing here?  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS IS DOING NOTHING!!  
  
Raziel: Hey, you have a fanfic! Let me read!  
  
(and so Raziel reads the summary of the fic out loud)  
  
Raziel: (reading the summary) One day, Magnuz dezides to go oute and fiind the Great  
  
Holy Meat and he meats tons of peple on hees way.  
  
Magnus: (looks up at him)  
  
Raziel: You are quite possibly the worst speller in the entire world. Let me read what  
  
you have so far.  
  
(Raziel reads it. When he's done, he has a disgusted look on his face)  
  
Magnus: WHAT?  
  
Raziel: This has to be one of the dumbest things...ever. I'm going back to bed. You  
  
must've had about 200 spelling errors. I'm off.  
  
(Raziel leaves and Mangus finishes his fic and posts it on Fanfiction.Net under Legacy of  
  
Kain. Magnus goes by the name Magnuz_Meat_Loveeeer)  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS IS SATISFIED. BYE BYE!  
  
(then Magnus leaves. And here is his totally stupid and spelling error- filled fic)  
  
  
  
{Magnus' Fanfic begins}  
  
Dizclamer: Magnuz does not own LoK or eets carakterz ___________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
[One day, Magnuz and hees serrvent Melchiah wer walkin in a forezt when Magnuz finaly has an idea. Magnuz had ben hungrey for a long time now and had desided that he would do something about it]  
  
Magnus: You know what we should do, servent?  
  
Melchiah: (had on a backpack with many backup limbs) What, my grayshous master?  
  
Magnus: We should go and find the Great Holy Meat!!  
  
Melchiah: The Great Holy Meat master!?  
  
Magnus: Yes! But Im hungrey right now. Magnuz feeels like a drumstick would taste  
  
yummey now.  
  
(then Melchiah rips off one of hees legs and Magnuz eats it. Then Melchiah pulls a spare leg out of his backpack and attaches it to himself)  
  
Magnus: Yummey, my goood serrvent, yumm.  
  
Melchiah: Where to go first, oh grate master? We should get some companions.  
  
Magnus: Agreed. Let us go.  
  
(then Magnuz and Melchiah wander throu the forezt and is at the exit when a vishous snake springs out at them. Melchiah weeped with terror and almost peesed himself in fear)  
  
Maelchiah: What now my brave master, what now? Only you can defeat forest fires and  
  
safe us.  
  
Magnus: Don't worry, I shal kil it.  
  
(so the brave Magnus grabbed its head and cover'd its eyes. But then the snake's  
  
nostrils sniffed out Magnuz and bit him)  
  
Magnus: Ow!! Pees, it hurtz! Owwiey!  
  
Melchiah: (cowering like a coward) What are we gonna do? I'm really scared!  
  
Magnus: Die!  
  
(then Magnuz bravely throu the snake on the ground and then Magnuz pulled out a bazooka and blew up the snake! Then Magnuz aate the bazooka)  
  
Melchiah: Wow, Magnuz safed us, hooray! Magnuz is strong and brave! Whoopie!  
  
Magnus: Just doin my job!  
  
[Then the brave trio consisting of Magnuz and Melchiah walked off into lands unnown. They had no clue wher to start looking first, but Magnuz thought to look under a Pepsi can. Wasn't ther. So Magnuz searched ferther and they eventually stumbled upon a castle. Inside the castle, ther was truble]  
  
King of Castle: Where is my lovely dauter?  
  
Queen of Castle: Yes, where is our lovely DAUGHTER! King, it's daughter, not dauter!  
  
King of Castle: Who cares?  
  
(then their daughter, princess Kain of Camelot, walk'd forward. Kain was in a lovely blue dress, blond hair in a scrunchy, and in lovely high heels. Other than that, this Kain loooked a lot like the lord of Nosgoth heemself. Oh, and this Kain had boobs)  
  
Kain: Father, Mother, what do you want?  
  
King of Castle: We want you to marry somone you hate!  
  
Kain: But why?  
  
King of Castle: Becauze thats the way it is! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
Kain: Please no!  
  
Queen of Castle: I'm sorry, but we love to see you suffer. Go get ready!  
  
Kain: Okay papa, mama.  
  
(then the princess Kain went to hees/her room and loooked out the window)  
  
Kain: (in crappy singin voice)  
  
Tonight tonight  
  
I will wed tonight  
  
To sombody I don't know  
  
Tonight tonight  
  
Love not for me, not my knight  
  
Who will save a fair maiden like me?  
  
(fortunately for him/her, Magnuz and Melchiah wer right under hees/her window at the time)  
  
Melchiah: There is somone we could save and take with us!  
  
Magnus: Let's rescue the fair princess Kain! First, can I have one of your arms?  
  
Melchiah: Sure! I love having a kind and great master.  
  
(so Magnuz ate the arm, Melchiah puled out a new one from hees backpack, and they stormed the castle! They kiled everyone and then got to the King and Queen)  
  
Magnus: Let the gorgeous princess Kain go!  
  
King: Never!  
  
Queen: Die!  
  
(then Magnuz killed the Queen!!!)  
  
King: No!! I will kil you with the help of my robotic monkeys!  
  
(then the King and 6 robot monkeys attack!! In this heart-pumpimg battle scene, Melchiah gets so scared he peeses himself while Magnuz kils all of the bad guys, including the King)  
  
King: You are truly brave Magnuz...  
  
Magnus: Where' the Holy Great Meat!?  
  
King: Seek out the smartest vampire in the world, he shall know...  
  
(then the King dies and Magnuz drags the princess Kain out of the castle as the castle explodes. It explodes for dramatic effect)  
  
Kain: You saved me!  
  
(then princess Kain jumps up and hugs and kisses Magnuz then goes over to Melchiah)  
  
Kain: Thank you Melchiah! You are brave and strong!  
  
Melchiah: You're welcome!  
  
Kain: And I want to make out with you since I'm a slutty princess!  
  
Melchiah: Good for you!  
  
Magnus: Well come on everybody, we're off to find the smartest vampire in the world!  
  
Kain and Melchiah: Yay!! We owe our lifes to Magnuz!  
  
[So all three walked off into the sunset, for their adventures to continue in the next chapter of "I Love Meat" chapter 2]  
  
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This is Magnuz. Hope you liked mine fic. Magnuz will post next chapter soon if Kain doesn't kill Magnuz. Don't forget to review!  
  
{Magnus' Fanfic ends}  
  
  
  
[Well, the next day Magnus goes to Fanfiction.Net and finds that he already has 7 reviews!]  
  
Magnus: (to himself) LET'S SEE WHO REVIEWED MAGNUS' FIC! (then he goes to the review screen)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- I_can_swim_you_can't! (aka Rahab) SIGNED "Hahahahahaha! This fic was hilarious! Kain is a pansy after all! Keep it going, I loved this fic! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- Banana_Pudding_Yummy (aka Zephon) SIGNED "Woohoo, this was good. Not stupid or weird at all though. I want a robot monkey! Hehehehehe! Well, can't wait for them to meet the smartest vampire ever! Oh, and great portrayal of Kain!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- TheJackass (aka Dumah) SIGNED "Yep, that was weird. And stupid. I might never read this again. But you're right about Kain being a sissy though" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------- I'mLikeALego! (aka Melchiah) SIGNED "AAAHHH! YOU SCARE ME!! But you had a realistic Kain, hahahaha!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- PopStar (aka Turel) SIGNED "Hahahahaha! Kain sings like a little girl, too! Hahahahaha!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- TheSavior (aka Raziel) SIGNED "Wow. That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever read. I think I've just lost 50 I.Q. points. SNAKES DON'T SMELL WITH NOSTRILS! And a TRIO IS THREE PEOPLE! Your spelling sucks! This was stupid. Right about Kain though." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- IruleYouSuck (aka Kain) SIGNED "Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! That's what you all think about me!? Well, f*** you Mangus! And f*** you Razzyboy, f*** you Melchiah, f*** you Zephon, f*** you Rahab, f*** you Turel!! Dumah, you're still cool! F*** YOU ALL! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------  
  
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Well, is said this was gonna be weird. Really weird. Will intentionally bad spelling. Well, I hope someone out there liked this weird fic, if you did, review! If not, don't review! Well, until next chapter... 


	2. SMARTEST VAMPIR EVER

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK so I don't own its characters either ______________________________________________________  
  
[The scene is the Pillars because that the only place in Nosgoth that has a plug. Magnus is in a corner finishing up the 2nd chapter of his fic when Zephon walks over to see what Magnus is doing]  
  
Zephon: What you doing Magnus?  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS IS FINISHING MAGNUS' FIC!  
  
Zephon: Why do you always speak in third person?  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS DOESN'T KNOW WHAT ZEPHON IS TALKING ABOUT!  
  
Zephon: Anyway, can I read this chapter?  
  
Magnus: SURE.  
  
(so Zephon reads the chapter)  
  
Zephon: Wow, the smartest vampire even says really big words! How'd you manage to spell all of the smartest vampire's words correctly?  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS GOT A HOBBO TO SPELL-CHECK THE BIG WORDS. MAGNUS SPELLED ALL THE OTHER WORDS RIGHT. MAGNUS THINKS.  
  
Zephon: Hey, do you want any stuff?  
  
Magnus: WHAT KIND OF STUFF?  
  
Zephon: Stuff! You see, I got a plan. Dumah had been a real bunghole lately so I thought of something cool to do with him! Y'see, I'm gonna get stuff and put stuff in the stuff and throw the stuff that contains stuff at other stuff!  
  
Magnus: WHAT THE HELL IS ZEPHON TALKING ABOUT?  
  
Zephon: I'm talking about stuff! I love the word stuff, it's funny.  
  
Magnus: DOES ZEPHON KNOW WHAT WORD IS FUNNIER?  
  
Zephon: What?  
  
Magnus: WAFFLE.  
  
Zephon: Hahahaha, who came up with the word waffle anyway? You wanna know a  
  
funny name?  
  
Magnus: WHAT?  
  
Zephon: Kainthrine Sue Mary  
  
Kain: (from far away): Shut up Zephon!  
  
Magnus: WELL, MAGNUS NEEDS TO SUBMIT THIS!  
  
Zephon: Okay, just tell me if you need any stuff-filled stuff and I'll get the stuff for you.  
  
Magnus: WHAT THE HELL IS THE IDIOT ZEPHON TALKING ABOUT?  
  
Zephon: Stuff! Oh well, see ya.  
  
(then Zephon walked away so he could get stuff. Magnus took this time to sign on to Fanfiction.Net and submitted the next chapter)  
  
{Magnus' fanfic begins}  
  
Dizclamer: Magnuz no owns LoK or eet's carakterz  
  
_______________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
[Well, last time on this storie Magnuz rescu'd the princess Kain and the duo of Magnuz, Melchiah, and princess Kain went to serch for the smartest vampir ever. The duo wer just leeving a forest and saw a casle]  
  
Kain: Goodie, a casle. I need to tinkle-linkle.  
  
Magnus: Than go first felow princess.  
  
Melchiah: yes, galop liik the weend.  
  
(then princess Kain ran into the casle. The braav hero Magnuz and his scwire waated outside)  
  
Melchiah: Kain has a nise azz.  
  
Magnus: Yes, but shee's a princess. You ar a scwire.  
  
Melchiah: Oh, I kno. But shee's just so gorjous.  
  
Magnus: Yes, she ees.  
  
(then the too keeper's of the casle walked out. One had a "Mortanius Dee" tie on and the uther had an "Moebius Dum" tie on. The too walked up to Magnuz)  
  
Mortanius Dee: Do yoo own a princess?  
  
Magnus: yes.  
  
Moebius Dum: Well, shee peeed in our closet.  
  
Melchiah: Oh no, don't kil us!  
  
Mortanius Dee: It would'nt hav bother'd us, but we wer trying to make out in ther.  
  
Moebius Dum: Yeh, we wer having fun tooo!  
  
Magnus: We are sory.  
  
(then the princess Kain steped out of the casle and join'd Magnuz and Melchiah)  
  
Mortanius Dee: We are afraad we haf to kil you now.  
  
Moebius Dum: But don't hurt Mortanius Dee, he's my yummy man!  
  
Melchiah: Magnuz, they want us ded. What now?  
  
Magnus: Um...  
  
(then the slutty princess Kain walk'd up to Mortanius Dee)  
  
Kain: Would yoo 2 like to have a threee-some?  
  
Moebius Dum: Well that sounds like a splendid idea!  
  
Mortanius Dee: Yes, lets.  
  
Kain: I am soo glad. Wait for me inside.  
  
(then Mortanius Dee and Moebius Dum went inside and princess Kain spoke to Magnuz and Melchiah rite quik)  
  
Kain: Yoo two go and find the smartest vampir wile I have slutty sex. Go yoo fools!  
  
Magnus: God speed!  
  
Melchiah: Wil yoo think of me when yoo ar having sex with them?  
  
Kain: Of corse.  
  
(then princess Kain givs Melchiah and kis then runs insiid the casle)  
  
Melchiah: I mis her alredy.  
  
Kain: Let us go.  
  
Melchiah: Alrighty.  
  
(so the braav duo of Magnuz and Melchiah ventur'd forth. They eventually caam to a casle that look'd like a library. The duo went inside and they saw the bak of a chair. The chair turn'd to fase the duo and the smartest vampir had on a sientists coat, triple-thik glasess and hair painted greeen and brown. The smatest vampir's name was...Zefon!)  
  
Magnus: Ar yoo the smartest vampir ever?  
  
Zephon: Yes, I Zefon, am the smartest vampir ever.  
  
Melchiah: How smart ar yoo?  
  
Zephon: I'msosmartthaticantalkreallyreallyfast. (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
Magnus: Let me translaat. He said that hee's so smart that he can talk really really fast.  
  
Melchiah: Wow. My master's so smart and grate and I love my master.  
  
Zephon: Wow, youseemtobereallypopular. (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
Zephon: I mightjusthavetojoinyouvampires. (snorts)  
  
Magnus: Can yoo speke diff'rent languages?  
  
Zephon: Of course! I can speak EnglishGermanRussianFrenchCanadianAlaskanAlBhedandShakespearean. (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
Magnus: Wil yoo join us?  
  
Zephon: Surewhynot? Youvampiresseemtobereallysmart, especiallyyouMagnuz. (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: Tooo fast.  
  
(then princess Kain arivved)  
  
Melchiah: Kain!  
  
Kain: Melchiah!  
  
(then they kised. Then Kain saw Zefon)  
  
Kain: Hoo's the sexy vampir?  
  
Zephon: Hello, mynameisZefon, what'syournameifanamereallymatters? (snorts)  
  
Kain: Is this vampir gona join us?  
  
Magnus: I think so.  
  
Zephon: Of course I will, youvampiresaretrulyinspiring. (snorts)  
  
Kain: Yay!  
  
(then Kain tries to maak out with Zefon but Zefon stoped her)  
  
Zephon: WemustleavequicklybecausetheChaosWizardiscoming! (snorts)  
  
Kain: (short-circuit sound) What?  
  
Melchiah: I cant understand neither.  
  
Magnus: He said we neeed to leeve because the Chaos Wizard is coming!  
  
(and so Magnuz, Melchiah, Kain, and Zefon ran out of the casle. They could'nt just run away, they would'nt go fast enuf)  
  
Magnus: Now what?  
  
Kain: Yes, save me Magnuz.  
  
(then Kain clung to Magnuz)  
  
Zephon: Ihaveanidea. Ihaveparkedamechanicalsheepathtesideofthecastle! (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: What?  
  
Magnus: He says that hee's park'd a mecanical sheeep at the side of the casle!  
  
Kain: Let's go!  
  
(then Kain clung to Melchiah and gaav Melchiah a kis for goood luck)  
  
Melchiah: Let's go!  
  
(then the Chaos Wizard arivved!)  
  
Chaos Wizard: Hahahahahaha, I hav com to ravag this planet cal'd Pangaea!  
  
(then Kain, Magnuz, Melchiah, and Zefon got on the sheep)  
  
Magnus: But this planet isnt caled Pangaea!  
  
Chaos Wizard: It isnt? Aw damn it! Oh wel, Il'l kil you vampir's anyway!  
  
Magnus: Go sheeep!  
  
(so Magnuz kiked the sheeep and the sheeep start'd walkin, but sinse it's a sheeep it would only go 6mph. Then Melchiah herd a noise)  
  
Melchiah: Whats that ticking sound?  
  
Chaos Wizard: (who was left behind) It's a bom! Hahaha, a time bom! I used my Chaos Magic to plaace a bom on your sheeep! If the sheeep goes less then 5mph yoo al explode and if yoo try to get off the sheeep, the sheeep wil explode, kiling you vampir's as wel!  
  
(then the Chaos Wizard disapearred)  
  
Zephon: Ohnothere'sabombonthesheep! (snorts)  
  
Kain and Melchiah: What?  
  
Magnus: Wher's the bom?  
  
Melchiah: Don't kno. I neeed a drink.  
  
(so Melchiah reached for a drink that was atached to the mecanical sheeep and the drink had som wires stiking out of it!)  
  
All 4: AHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Melchiah: The bom's in the drink!  
  
Kain: Its gona explode and kil us!  
  
Zephon: I'll be being smart in hel! (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: What do we do?  
  
Zephon: Wecouldalwaysgetastrawanddrinkthedrinkaway! (snorts)  
  
Magnus: (repeating him) Get a straw and drink the drink away? That could work!  
  
Kain: Whyd I com back and help you vampir's?  
  
Melchiah: Just get me a straw!  
  
Magnus: The sheeeps starting to slow down!  
  
Zephon: Ifoundawireinthedrink! Whichwiredowecut! (snorts)  
  
Kain: What?  
  
Magnus: Cut the greeen wire!  
  
(Melchiah holds the wires. Theres a greeen wire, red wire, and blu wire)  
  
Kain: Wich one's the greeen wire!?  
  
Magnus: Its the one that loooks greeen.  
  
Kain: They al loook greeen to me!  
  
Zephon: Whydidijoinyouvampires? (snort)  
  
Magnus: Just cut the wire!  
  
Sheep: Baaah!  
  
(then Melchiah cuts the greeen wire and the bom was extinguished)  
  
Sheep: Baah!  
  
Melchiah: The wire's cut!  
  
Kain: Yay! My heros!  
  
(then Kain gave Zefon a congratulations kis and made out with Melchiah)  
  
Magnus: Wher to now?  
  
Zephon: To find my partner Rahab. (snorts)  
  
(so they rode off into the sunset)  
  
______________________________________________________  
  
Magnuz hopez yoo liked Magnuz's fic! Stay tuned for the next chapter!  
  
  
  
{Magnus' fanfic ends}  
  
[So the next day Magnus checks Fanfictin.Net and finds 7 new reviews! So Magnus checks them]  
  
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I_can_swim_you_can't (aka Rahab) SIGNED "Now why the hell was Zephon the smartest vampire ever!!? Zephon's a dumbass! Other than that part this was all good."  
  
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Banana_Pudding_Yummy (aka Zephon) SIGNED "Finally, someone understands my genius! Thank you Magnus!"  
  
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TheJackass (aka Dumah) SIGNED "I said I wasn't gonna read this load of stupid, but I did and I regret it. Now I won't read again. P.S. When am I gonna be on?  
  
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I'mLikeALego (aka Melchiah) SIGNED "Wow, you still scare me. I'm never traveling with you. AND I'M NOT KAIN'S LOVER DAMN IT!!!"  
  
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PopStar (aka Turel) SIGNED "Well, that was really good. One problem: Zephon's stupid."  
  
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TheSavior (aka Raziel) SIGNED "Wow. Just when I thought this couldn't get any stupider, it does. I'm now mentally scared and I think reading this made me dumber. Wow."  
  
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IruleYouSuck (aka Kain) SIGNED "Wanna hear my 'I Hate Magnus' song? Here it goes: 'I hate Magnus, I really really hate Magnus, I hate you Magnus'"  
  
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3 (aka unknown) ANONYMOUS "3"  
  
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[Then Magnus hunted down whoever it is that submits tons of reviews consisting of just a number a Magnus eats that person]  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
Well, this just got weirder. And it's gonna get weirder because I have decided to let the reviewers decide what Rahab is gonna be like. People who review this chapter can decide how Rahab is gonna behave or what type of personality he has or even if he thinks he's a specific animal, it doesn't matter, anyone who reviews can throw out a suggestion (make sure it's weird though). So when you review, you can choose what Rahab will be like and I'll choose at random who's suggestion will be in the next chapter. See, this fic is kind of interactive. Well, until next time... 


	3. BUNCH OF RANDOM STUFF!

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or the name Joe Cool  
  
______________________________________________  
A/N: Okay, tow things. First of all, although the character was barely in the last chapter, the Chaos Wizard belongs to WMD (I just had to add this, I'm picky), I forgot to put this down last chapter. Also, I took the suggestions and picked one and picked two at total random and this time the winners were 'Wolfywoman' and 'Concept of a Demon'  
  
[The scene is the computer at the Pillars. Once again, Magnus has just finished typing the rest of the chapter when Dumah comes up right behind Magnus. Dumah has wearing a black pair of sunglasses and a green sweater]  
  
Dumah: Hey Magnus, what's up?  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS HAS FINISHED THIS CHAPTER!  
  
(see's the dark sunglasses)  
  
Magnus: WHY IS DUMAH WEARING SUNGLASSES? THERE IS NO SUNLIGHT IN NOSGOTH ANYMORE.  
  
Dumah: Who's Dumah?  
  
Magnus: (pointing at Dumah) DUMAH IS DUMAH!  
  
Dumah: Oh, you mean my alter ego, Dumah! I'm not Dumah right now.  
  
Magnus: THEN WHO IS YOU? OR SHOULD THAT BE WHO ARE YOU?  
  
Dumah: My name is Joe Cool, I'm hanging at the Nosgoth union.  
  
Magnus: DUMAH IS WEIRD. SHOULD MAGNUS START CALLING YOU JOE COOL?  
  
Dumah (aka Joe Cool): Yeah, man. My name is Joe Cool.  
  
Magnus: WILL KAIN THINK DUMAH IS STUPID?  
  
Joe Cool: That Kain is a drag, man. Joe Cool can't worry about Kain when Joe Cool's hanging out at the Nosgoth union.  
  
Mangus: UM, IS DUMAH ON DRUGS?  
  
Joe Cool: Dumah too cool to be on drugs. So is Joe Cool.  
  
Magnus: UM...OKAY.  
  
Joe Cool: Joe Cool doesn't like just hanging here at the Nosgoth union waiting for action. Joe Cool is gonna go to the gym, shoot hoops, man. Maybe even pick up a chick or two.  
  
Magnus: UM...HAVE A GOOD TIME.  
  
Joe Cool: Don't worry, Joe Cool is too cool to have a dull time. Here is Joe Cool, going elsewhere looking for action.  
  
(then Dumah-I mean Joe Cool, left. Magnus just thought that Dumah had been tricked into eating paste again. Dumah hated being tricked into doing that. Anyway, Magnus went ahead and sent in his chapter)  
  
{[Magnus' fanfic begins]}  
  
Dissclaimer: I don't not own LoK or eets carakterz  
  
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[The sceen was a casle. Magnuz, Kain, Melchiah, and Zefon were all in the casle. They wer beeing treeted to a meal by King Arthor]  
  
King Arthor: Ah, Magnuz the grate, how ar yoo?  
  
Magnus: Fiin. But our sheeep neeeds re-tuning.  
  
Melchiah: How do yoo re-tune a sheeep?  
  
Zephon: That's easy. Youjusthavetoopenthesheep'scompartmentandfindtherightwireandthenyouswitchtha twirewiththe properwire. (snorts)  
  
Kain: What? Anyway, King Arthor, do you want to show me yoor bedrooom?  
  
Zephon: Ohforheaven'ssakeyoustupidlittleslut! Doyouhavetosleepwitheverymaleyoufind? (snorts)  
  
Kain: Tooo fast.  
  
Magnus: (to Melchiah) Are'nt yoo gonna stop her?  
  
Melchiah: But I liik to see her butt wigggle when she walks.  
  
Magnus: Yoo ar straang.  
  
King Arthor: Are'nt you a princess, Kain?  
  
Kain: Yes I am.  
  
King Arthor: Hmmmmmmmm, I may just show yoo-  
  
Melchiah: (to King Arthor) BAK OFFF MY WOMAN YOO HE-WHORE!!  
  
Kain: Wow, twoo guys fiiting over me, thees is kinky.  
  
Zephon: Youaresuchaslutthatitisamazing. (snorts)  
  
King Arthor: But she ask'd!  
  
Melchiah: I DON'T CARE!! ONLY I CAN GET THE PRIV'LAGE TO SEE HER NAKED!!  
  
Magnus: We ar gona get throwed out, are'nt we?  
  
Zephon: Yes, I believethatweare. (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: I WIL KILLL YOO IF YOO SLEEEP WITH MY TOUCHY, FEELY WOMAN!!  
  
King Arthor: I wil kic yoo out.  
  
(so they wer alll kiked out. It was then that Zefon notic'd that the sheeep was stil not fix'd)  
  
Zephon: Aww, mysheepisnotfixedyet! Mypoormechanicalsheep! (snorts)  
  
Magnus: Don't wory, beecus I hav a plan. We visit yoor frend, Rahab.  
  
Zephon: Yippeeskippy!  
  
Kain: Does he hav a niic butt?  
  
Melchiah: But Kain, yoor with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.  
  
Kain: Awww, thats sweeet. Le'ts make out.  
  
Magnus: No! Yoo must saav yoor energy!  
  
Zephon: Thatisright! (snorts)  
  
Kain: Awww poopey-sticks!  
  
Zephon: Besides, onourwaytherewemightjustencounteranevilcreature! (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: I ca'nt understand a word he says.  
  
Magnus: He says that we miight encounter an evil creetur.  
  
Kain: OH NO! SAV ME MELCHIAH!!  
  
Zephon: Ijustwantyoualltoknowthatwemightnotallmakeitoffthisislandalive. (snorts)  
  
Kain: I do'nt want to walk all that way...  
  
(just then a van was speeeding by but Magnuz stoped the van and the van had the words "Mystery Machine" on the siid. Wel, Magnuz stoped the car, pullled the driver out and kiked out the pasengers and ther weird dog. Then Melchiah, Zefon, and Kain got in. Melchiah droov)  
  
Zephon: Wellwearealmostthere. (snorts)  
  
Kain: I luv driving with my man.  
  
Magnus: (to Zefon) Hey Zefon, thoos two liik eech other tooo much.  
  
Zephon: Yes, I havenoticedthat. (snorts)  
  
(just then a scary ghost poped out a few feeet away from the van)  
  
Scary Ghost: Rrrrrrrarrrarrrrrr!!  
  
Melchiah, Kain, Zephon, and Magnus: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!  
  
Melchiah: Eet's a scary ghost!!  
  
Kain: Oh, Im reelly scared!  
  
Magnus: AHHHHH!!!  
  
Zephon: Ohshitohshitohshit! (snorts)  
  
Scary Ghost: Rrrrrrrraaaaaarrrrraaaarrrrr!!  
  
Melchiah: AHHHH!!!  
  
(so Melchiah swerv'd to avoid the uber-spooky ghost and they ended up swerv'ing off the road and down a clif and the van landed riit in front of a spoooky howse)  
  
Kain: That ghosty shur was super-spooky.  
  
Melchiah: Agreeed. I was soo scared I thought I'd peese myself.  
  
(so then they alll got out of the Mystery Machine and walk'd over to the front dor of the spooky howse. They nocked on the dor and out caam a vampir with plaid clothes on, a tie, and triple-thick glasses. The vampir imedeately recognised Magnuz)  
  
Zephon: Hey, its Rahab!  
  
Rahab: (seing Magnuz) It's the grate Magnuz!! Oh, I luv yoo Magnuz, yoo kik mor ass than any other thing ever. Yoo are soo coool and neet and smart and just plaan awsom!  
  
Melchiah: (to Kain) Loooks liik wev'e got ourselves a teacher's pet.  
  
Zephon: Yes, hehasalwaysbeenateacher'spetandhealsohasa1minutememory. (snorts)  
  
Rahab: (starts givin Magnuz tons of gifts) And yoo're also the snazziest and hipppest and groovvy and coolest vampir ever!  
  
Magnus: Um...thanks.  
  
(then Rahab stops giving Magnuz gifts then Rahab starts loooking pessed off and taaks all his stuf back)  
  
Rahab: (PO'ed) Why the hel do yoo haav all of my stuf!? Yoo a dirty theif or somthing?  
  
Magnus: Um Zefon, what the hel's goin on?  
  
Zephon: Hehasa1minutememory. (snorts)  
  
Magnus: A 1 minut memory? Hes not coming with us, hel'l anoy the hel outtta me!  
  
(then after Rahab toook all of his stuf back he sudenly forgot why he has stuf in his hands to begin with. Then he droped all hees stuf when he saw Magnuz)  
  
Rahab: Oh my gentle Buddha, its Magnuz!! Im such a big, big fan!  
  
Magnus: Yoo wer talking to me just a second ago!!  
  
Rahab: Was I? I do'nt remember that. Anyway, im such a big, big fan! I also luv yoo're clothing style and ive worn tight pants liik yours tooo, even though theyr'e a bit tight at the crotch!! Wow, im so proud riit now!  
  
Melchiah: Pleese somone, let me kil him. I beg you vampir's pleese.  
  
Zephon: Noyoucannotkillhim. (snorts)  
  
Rahab: (bending down to loook at the pants) Oh, so neat-o frito! I want pants liik thoos!  
  
(then Rahab stoped to think for a second. Yep, he had forgoten what he was doing)  
  
Rahab: Hey, Magnuz. Why am I loooking at yoor butt?  
  
Magnus: We do'nt hav time for yoo. We ar on a qest for the Great Holy Meat!  
  
Some strange Chorus voices: THE GREAT HOLY MEAT!!  
  
Kain: What the hel was that?  
  
Rahab: I kno wher the Great Holy Meat is!!  
  
Magnus: Yoo do!?  
  
(then the scary ghost appered)  
  
Scary Ghost: Rrrrrrrrraaaaaaarrrrrrrr!  
  
All the vampir's and princess: AAAAHHHHH!!  
  
Scary Ghost: Rrrrrrrraaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr!  
  
Everyone: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!  
  
Scary Ghost: Rrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaarrrrrrrr!  
  
Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHH!!  
  
(then they all ran into the spoooky howse and they ran som mor then stoped)  
  
Magnus: We hav to figur out who the spoooky ghost is! Wel'l neeed to split up and loook for clues.  
  
Melchiah: Riit! Me and Kain wil go this way, Zefon wil go that way, and Magnuz and Rahab wil go that other way. Ready, lets go!  
  
(so Melchiah and Kain went this way, Zefon went that way, and Magnuz and Rahab went that other way)  
  
Magnus: This way, that way, that other way!! What the hel did Melchiah even meen?  
  
Rahab: I am soooooooooooo honored to be her with you! I luv Magnuz, im gonna start my own "I luv Magnuz cus hee's so coool" fan club! Magnuz is sooooo coool, Magnuz should be president. Magnuz-hey, wher are we anyway? Whats goin on?  
  
Magnus: Rahab, I hate yoo with all of my being.  
  
(Unbeknownst to them, the scary ghost was sneeking up behind them. Wil the scary ghost captur them? Wil we even find out who the scary ghost is? What would happen is a piece of cheese and ham had kids? Find out on the next chapter!)  
Wow, Magnuz is glad that vampir's liik Magnuz's fic. Wel, see yoo vampirs next chapter!  
{[Magnus' fanfic ends]}  
  
[So the next day, Magnus went to the reviews to find 7 more reviews]  
  
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I_can_swim_you_can't (aka Rahab) Signed "Okay, I don't know if I should be pissed off or not. I'm probably a less insulted character than the others though."  
  
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Banana_Pudding_Yummy (aka Zephon) Signed "Just plain awesome. I love your fic, and I'm glad someone finally understands that I'm a genius. Keep up the good work."  
  
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JoeCool (aka Dumah) Signed "This is my new name because I am Joe Cool after all. Well, guess what? Joe Cool digs this fic, Joe Cool wants to read more. Till then, Joe Cool will be hanging at the Nosgoth Union."  
  
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I'mLikeALego (aka Melchiah) Signed "Okay, I will seriously kick you butt if you don't stop MAKING ME KAIN'S LOVER!!"  
  
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PopStar (aka Turel) Signed "Hey, this stuff is really funny. I heard that I'm in the next chapter. Is it true?"  
  
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TheSavior (aka Raziel) Signed "I showed this extremely stupid fic to a friend of mine and this fic was so stupid that he died of stupidity. That just goes to show you how dumb this fic is."  
  
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IruleYouSuck (aka Kain) Signed "Magnus, you go to hell! Go to hell and die! I frickin' HATE YOU MAGNUS!!!!!!!!!!" =(  
  
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Well, sorry this took so long to get up. I got lazy. But I was lazy for a reason: I was trying to think up more unusually weird stuff. Oh, and I can't stop playing this new game I got. Anyway, once again the reviewer gets to choose something else. Turel will be in the next chapter, but Turel is a superhero. But it cannot be a real superhero, it's gotta be something you made up. A Some examples would be "Suctioncup Man" or even "Leg Humping Man", just anything really weird like that. You can even choose one of my examples. Well, don't forget to review and put down what kind of superhero Turel will be. Until next chapter... 


	4. Magnuz, wher ar yoo?

Disclaimer: Why do I still write this? I dunno  
  
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A/N: Today's random winner is DigitalJessie!  
  
[The scene is the Pillars and Magnus was carrying his computer cause he was going to plug it up and finish his fanfic when Dumah came running up to him. Dumah was holding 10-feet worth of papers]  
  
Dumah: Hello my friend Magnus, can I interest you in a loan offer?  
  
Magnus: A WHAT?  
  
Dumah: A loan offer. How's your current loan?  
  
Magnus: WELL HOW IN THE HOLE OF HECK SHOULD MAGNUS KNOW?  
  
Dumah: It's probably really bad, that's why I'm here. I got a job at a loan office.  
  
Magnus: (sarcastically) WHOOPDY-FRICKEN-DOO!  
  
Dumah: Well, how about signing for a loan in case something bad happens to your computer?  
  
Magnus: FINE, IF DUMAH'LL LEAVE MAGNUS THE HECK ALONE!  
  
Dumah: Super-uber! Here, sign all these papers!  
  
Magnus: (sees the mountain of papers) NOW MAGNUS MAY NOT BE TOTALLY SANE, BUT MAGNUS AIN'T A DUMBASS!  
  
Dumah: Oh, come on.  
  
Magnus: FINE! DOESN'T MAGNUS GET SOME KIND OF SPECIAL DISCOUNT THOUGH!?  
  
Dumah: Oh yeah.  
  
(Dumah gives all the tons of papers to Magnus then Dumah pulls the next to bottom sheet out quickly, making the other papers fly everywhere)  
  
Dumah: It's like Jenga! Tell me when you're done applying!  
  
(then Dumah runs off)  
  
Magnus: IF DUMAH WEREN'T SO NASTY THEN MAGNUS WOULD BITE DUMAH ON THE ASS! ARGHHHHHH!!  
  
(then Razzyboy walks up)  
  
Raziel: It's Raziel. Anyway, anything wrong Magnus?  
  
Magnus: THIS IS TO MUCH TO SIGN FOR A FRICKIN' LOAN!!  
  
Raziel: Oh, uber-super! If you sign a loan with me, you'll just have to sign and be done with it. It's that easy.  
  
Magnus: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?  
  
Raziel: I'm with DiTech!  
  
Magnus: HOT DAMN, MAGNUS IS GOING WITH DITECH!!  
  
Raziel: That's fantastic!  
  
(so Magnus signed one paper and was done and he left. When Dumah came back,  
  
Raziel was still there)  
  
Dumah: What happened?  
  
Raziel: (proudly) He signed up with DiTech!  
  
Dumah: MONKEY BITCH, I'VE LOST ANOTHER LOAN TO DITECH!!  
  
Raziel: Hahahahahaha!  
  
Dumah: I'll kill you!  
(so while Dumah chased Raziel, Magnus got done with his fic and posted it to Fanfiction.Net and Dumah went off to try to eat Dumah for giving him a crummy loan offer)  
{[ Magnus' Fanfic Begins]}  
Deesclaamer: Mine do'nt own anething, do'nt su me!!  
  
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[The sene beegins wer we left offf with Magnuz and Rahab walkin down a coridor and unbenownst to them, the scary ghost was folowing them!]  
Rahab: I luv kising yoor ass Magnuz!  
  
Magnus: What!?  
  
Rahab: As in kising up to yoo! Yoo're so awsome I'd let yoo hav me if yoo want'd.  
  
Magnus: Um, no thanks.  
  
Rahab: I LUV MAGNUZ, HE KIKS THE MOSTEST BUTT, GO MAGNUZ!!  
  
Magnus: (roles hees I's)  
  
Scary Ghost: Arrrghhhhh!!  
  
Magnus and Rahab: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Scary Ghost: Argh!  
  
Magnus and Rahab: AHHHHHHHHH!!  
  
Scary Ghost: Argh?  
  
Magnus: Um, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!  
  
Rahab: (pointin'g to Magnuz) Wat hee said!  
  
Scary Ghost: Arghh!!  
  
(so Magnuz and Rahab run as fast as they can and then they get separate'd and Rahab runs out in the open and meeets Zefon, Melchiah, and Kain ther tooo)  
  
Melchiah: Hey, wer's Magnuz?  
  
Rahab: I do'nt no!  
  
Kain: I wonder if the scary ghost is sexy?  
  
Zephon: Youaresuchaslutthatit'spathetic. (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: Magnuz, wher ar yoo!?  
  
(then the scary ghost foound Melchiah, Zefon, Rahab, and Kain and the scary ghost corner'd them)  
  
Rahab: Oh no, im reely scared! Magnuz, safe us!!  
  
Kain: (to Melchiah) Just beefor we die, I want yoo to know that I almost liik yoo.  
  
Melchiah: ALMOST!?  
  
Zephon: Stopbickeringaboutstupidstupidstuffcausewe'regonnadie! (snorts)  
  
Scary Ghost: Arghh!!  
  
(and then som mask'd marvel droped in from abuv. This super-hero was dresed as a duck!)  
  
Turel: Helo Moto! I am Ducky Man!  
  
Kain: (seductively) Who?  
  
Turel: Devil Duckie, you're the one, You make bathtime lots of fun, Devil Duckie, I'm awfully dirty today. Devil Duckie, when you float, It's like I'm bathing in a flaming moat! Devil Duckie, you're my very best frie-  
  
Zephon: Whatthehellareyoudoing!? (snorts)  
  
Turel: Im just singing my theme song!  
  
Melchiah: Wel, could yoo pleese safe us from the scary ghost!!  
  
Turel: Oh, okay!  
  
Scary Ghost: Arghh!  
  
Turel: Ha! (Turel puls out a ruber ducky)  
  
Scary Ghost: Gargh?  
  
Turel: Catch!  
  
(Turel throu the ruber ducky but the ducky did'nt bounc)  
  
Rahab: How wil that help? WE NEEED YOO MAGNUZ, WE HAV NEEEDS!  
  
Turel: Yoo see, that help'd becus any normal ducky wouldv'e bounc'd but this one did'nt, meeening its singled out and thats sad, so whiil the scary ghost cries about it, we escaap!  
  
Melchiah: That is the stupidest thing ive ever heerd.  
  
Scary Ghost: Pooor ducky. Bwaaaaaaaaaaa!!  
  
(the scary ghost starts crying)  
  
Turel: Seee?  
  
Melchiah: Wel Il'l be dammed up and down.  
  
Kain: Hey, the ruber ducky's sexy.  
  
Turel: I haat to seee scary ghosts cry. Hey, scary ghost, watch this!  
  
Scary Ghost: (crying) What?  
  
(Turel waavs his hands around and sudenly the ruber ducky can bounc again!)  
  
Scary Ghost: Yay!  
  
Turel: I luv helpin people and making ducks bouncy.  
  
Scary Ghost: Now that I kno this ducky wo'nt be singled out, im not sad anymor wich means I can start trying to kil yoo vampir's again!  
  
Turel: Yay! Whoop-oh sheet!  
  
Melchiah: I haat yoo Ducky Man.  
  
Rahab: Magnuz, safe us!!  
  
(then Magnuz braavly sneeks up behind the ghost and he grabbs the ghost)  
  
Rahab: Yay, Magnuz haz com to safe us!! I always beleved in yoo Magnuz!!  
  
Kain: Hey, Ducky Man's duck costum loooks sexy.  
  
Magnus: Now lets seee who this scary ghost reelly is!  
  
(and Magnuz puled offf the scary ghost's mask and the scary ghost was reelly just an old man disgised as a scary ghost!)  
  
Melchiah: Its old man Smithers!!  
  
Zephon: Who? (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: I do'nt kno.  
  
Old Man Smithers: Wel, how'd yoo kno it was me?  
  
Magnuz: We do'nt even kno who yoo are!!  
  
Turel: Loooks liik I saved the day!  
  
Kain: Thanks yoo for safing the day! Can we maak out!?  
  
Melchiah: (frustrated) AHHHH!!!  
  
Old Man Smithers: Yay, Ducky Man safed the day!!  
  
Magnuz: Hoooray!  
  
Rahab: Magnuz can do it!  
  
Melchiah: Kain does'nt luv me!  
  
(then whil everyone cheeered, Melchiah sulk'd in a corner)  
  
Melchiah: Com on, Kain stil liiks us.  
  
Evil Side of Melchiah: No she does'nt, she betry'd us!  
  
Melchiah: No she did'nt!  
  
Evil Side of Melchiah: Yess she did, she betray'd us! That's becus we are no goood.  
  
Melchiah: (covering hees ears) Im not listenin!  
  
Evil Side of Melchiah: Yoo must lisen, yoo cant liv without me.  
  
Melchiah: We do'nt need yoo!  
  
Evil Side of Melchiah: What?  
  
Melchiah: We do'nt need yoo!  
  
Evil Side of Mlechiah: What?  
  
Melchiah: Go away, we do'nt need yoo!  
  
(silence)  
  
Melchiah: Yess!! He gon away, I do'nt need heem! Kain stil liiks me! Hoooray!  
  
(and so they al leeve in Turel's Duck-Mobile to serch for the Great Holy Meat)  
  
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Magnus hopes yoo've liik'd this chapter and if yoo did'nt Magnus wil hunt yoo down and eat yoo. Wel, until further notice...  
  
{[Magnus' Fanfic Ends]}  
  
[The next day, Magnus found that he had 5 new reviews and here are the reviews]  
  
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I_can_swim_you_can't (aka Rahab) SIGNED "Um, this was stupid. Yeah. Very, very stupid. At least I'm not badly insulted though."  
  
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Banana_Pudding_Yummy (aka Zephon) SIGNED "Well, this is just the best fic ever! I mean, it's about time somebody realized I was a genius. Everyone thinks I'm stupid just because I shot myself in the butt with a BB Gun and I cried!"  
  
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DiTech_Sucks (aka Dumah) SIGNED "Damn it, DiTech sucks!!!!" =(  
  
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TheSavior (aka Raziel) SIGNED "I am entering this into the Nosgoth Book of Records as the dumbest fic ever. Some humans read this fic and died because this fic is so stupid."  
  
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IruleYouSuck (aka Kain) SIGNED "Next time I see you Magnus, make sure to remind me to give you a good ass- kicking!"  
  
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Well, it took me a while but I finally got this next chapter up. And the next chapter will feature Dumah and Raziel on a mission. And you, the reviewers, can offer a mission for them, but it's got to be something mundane, some everyday kind of activity that anyone could do. For example, their mission could be to "Get their car washed" or to "Get dressed", just make sure it's some extremely everyday type of task and I'll make sure that they're so stupid that they have a hard time doing so. Remember, just some plain and ordinary task. Hope you liked this chapter, don't forget to review. 


	5. Mission: Stupid

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or its characters  
  
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A/N: Today's randomly chosen winner is DarkSephy (I think that's how it's spelled). Also, the reason I haven't updated lately was because I was on a trip and when I got home I got a little bit lazy  
[The scene is the Pillars. Magnus is typing up his next chapter, then the lieutenants come driving up behind him in a jeep. They all get out and are dressed differently]  
  
Raziel: (to Melchiah) Oh, thanks a lot for the wrong directions!  
  
Dumah: (to Melchiah) You tricked me sucka!!  
  
Raziel: Now our whole plan is screwed up! (to Dumah) C'mon Mr. D, let's go!  
  
Magnus: WHAT IS LIEUTENANTS DOING?  
  
Melchiah: We're playing "The L Team!"  
  
Dumah: C'mon sucka's let's go!  
  
Raziel: All right!  
  
(they were about to leave, then Raziel's cell phone rang. Raziel answered it)  
  
Raziel: Hello-  
  
Turel: Hello-  
  
Rahab: Hello-  
  
Raziel and Turel and Rahab: Hello!  
  
Raziel: Oh, hey MortalK55, what's up? (pause) Yeah. (pause) Uh-huh. Yeah (pause) Of course I didn't forget, what kind of guy would I be if I had forgotten!? Yeah, don't worry, bye.  
  
(then Raziel hung up)  
  
Raziel: Oh hole of hell, I forgot that April 5th is MortalK55's birthday!!  
  
Turel: Don't worry, this looks like a job for "The L Team!" Let's go people!  
  
Dumah: (to Melchiah) You better not trick me again sucka, or I'll bust ya head open!  
  
(then they drove off)  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS IS SURROUNDED BY WEIRDOS!!  
  
(then Magnus submitted his next chapter of his fic and left)  
{Magnus' Fanfic Begins}  
Dizclamer: Miin do'nt own enythiing  
  
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[The sceen is'nt wher we last left offf, but if yoo want to kno, then Ducky Man and the others droov offf to continu ther quest. Riit now, Dumah and Raziel wer in the hous that they liiv'd in and wer lisening to a taap recorder]  
  
Janos' voice: Helo gentlmen, niic wether today, is'nt it?  
  
Raziel: Yeh.  
  
Dumah: Y-  
  
Janos' voice: Okay, now shut up. Yoor mishion, shoold yoo choos to acept it is-  
  
Dumah: But I do'nt wana!  
  
Janos' voice: Shut up bitch!! Anyway, yoor mishion, shoold yoo choos to acept it is to get som cookies and a bottle of milk! This taap wil explod in-  
  
(BOOM!!)  
  
Dumah: Great googa-mooga! This is a dificult task!  
  
Raziel: Yes, wer're gona have'ta think this one throu!  
  
Dumah: But first we haav to go to a stor to buy the items!  
  
Raziel: Of course!! But how do we get out of this hous!?  
  
Dumah: (geting scared and nervous) Um, I DO'NT KNO!!!  
  
Raziel: I got it! Mayb we use-(Raziel points to a door)-this door!  
  
Dumah: Fantabulous!!  
  
(so they both get up and run hed-first into the door then collaps in paan. Then they get up and run hed-first into the door threee mor tiims beefor they relize that runing hed- first into the door is'nt working)  
  
Dumah: Ow, that does'nt work!  
  
Raziel: Egads, then wat do we do???  
  
Dumah: I think iv'e got it!  
  
(so Dumah throws a peice of chalk at the door, but nothing hapens)  
  
Dumah: It did'nt work!  
  
Raziel: AHHH!!!  
  
Dumah: How do we get throu that door!!?  
  
Raziel: (sees the door knob) I bet we use that door knob!  
  
(so they rush to the door knob and the door is lock'd)  
  
Dumah: (very panicky) WER'E LOKED IN FROM THE INSIID!  
  
Raziel: Now how do we get throu this door!?  
  
Dumah: We neeed to find a key to unlok it!  
  
Raziel: Absolutly!  
  
(so they begin serching for a key to unlok the door that was lok'd from the insiid. I told yoo thees two wer stupid. Wile serching, Raziel fiinds a closed window)  
  
Raziel: Dumah, look! A window!  
  
Dumah: Good idea! Lets ask the window for its advice!  
  
Raziel: No no, we jump out the window!  
  
Dumah: Good idea as wel!  
  
(so Raziel smaks his hed onto the closed window then Razzzyboy is in paan)  
  
Raziel: Owww, frick!  
  
Dumah: Ooh, my turn, my turn!  
  
(so Dumah piks up Raziel by the hed and thro's Raziel throu the window)  
  
Raziel: It work'd!  
  
Dumah: Yipee!  
  
(then Dumah leeps throu a wal, seriously hurting heemself, but hee got throu and was now on the ground beesiid Raziel. That's when the DuckMobile puled up and saw them)  
  
Turel: Do yoo guys neeed help?  
  
Raziel: Yes!  
  
Dumah: Duble yes!  
  
Turel: Then hop in!  
  
Zephon: (to Magnus) Ireallyhopetheyarenotidiotslikeeveryoneelsewe'vemet. (snorts)  
  
Magnus: Do'nt wory, thees guys loook sensible.  
  
(Dumah and Raziel run to the vehicle's doors)  
  
Dumah: OH NOOOO-OOO-OO-OO-OO!!  
  
Raziel: More vile doors! What now!? Wer'e doom'd!  
  
Dumah: How do we get thou the doors!  
  
(Zefon is banging his hed on a seet in frustration)  
  
Magnus: Wel...  
  
Zephon: HOWCOMEWECANONLYGETIDIOTSTOJOINUS!!!? (snorts)  
  
Kain: Too fast!  
  
Rahab: Magnus rules all! Woohoo! Waat, wher am I anyway?  
  
Dumah: How ar we gona get throu thees evil doors!  
  
Raziel: I haat doors, ther're evil!  
  
Zephon: YOUGETPASTTHEDOORBYOPENINGTHEFUCKINGTHINGSYOURETARDEDSTUPIDANNOYINGMORONS!!! (snorts)  
  
Raziel: But how do we open the doors!  
  
Zephon: AHHHHHHH, I'MGONNAKILLYOUMORONS! (snorts)  
  
Dumah: Too fast.  
  
Zephon: AHHHHH, I'MGONNAKILLALLOFYOUOVERANDOVERAGAIN!!  
  
Melchiah: Her, il'l open the doors for yoo two beefor Zefon bursts a blood vein.  
  
(so Melchiah opens the doors and Dumah and Raziel cliims in. Then Melchiah gets in and they driiv offf)  
  
Dumah: Tel us if yoo guys fiind any milk.  
  
Turel: Why?  
  
Raziel: We ar on a top-secret mishion to retreive milk and cookies.  
  
Kain: I luv cookies, I think they'r sexy.  
  
Zephon: YOUTHINKEVERYTHING'SSEXYYOUSTUPIDSLUT!! (snorts)  
  
Kain: Too fast.  
  
Magnus: Just calm down Zefon, think of yoor hapy plaac.  
[The sceen now shifts to Zefon's imaginary hapy plaac, wher ther's clouds in the air, green gras, and Kain's, Turel's, Dumah's, and Raziel's bodies implanted in the ground with ther heds stiking out and Zefon is beeting them all on the hed with a stic and screeming liik a madman]  
  
Zephon: (whiil hiting ther hed's with the stic) Die you morons!! I hate you annoying, stupid, brain-dead morons! Die!!  
  
[Then Zefon is stil hiting them reelly hard with the stics and the sceen is bac to reel live. Zefon is siting in the back seet stil but now has a reelly big grin]  
  
Zephon: Ah, I luv my hapy plaac.  
  
Magnus: Your'e hapy plaac scares me.  
  
Kain: I think yoor hapy plaac would be a great plaac to maak out.  
  
Melchiah: Of course it would.  
  
Kain: Hey, I was talkin to Magnus.  
  
Rahab: If I wer gay, then I'd maak out with Magnus.  
  
Zephon: IswearIhateallofyou. (snorts)  
  
(so they driiv som mor til they get to a Wal-Mart)  
  
Raziel: Stop!  
  
Dumah: Wat Razzzyboy said!  
  
Turel: Why, is ther evil in ther that can only be vanquished by duckies!!?  
  
Dumah: No! We need milk.  
  
Raziel: And cookies.  
  
Kain: Cookies ar sexy.  
  
Zephon: WhydoIhavetobestuckwithabunchofretards? (snorts)  
  
Turel: (wile stoping the DuckMobile) Ther, get out but com bac quik.  
  
Raziel: One problem.  
  
Turel: What?  
  
Dumah: HOW DO YOO OPEN THEES EVIL DOORS!?  
  
Raziel: Ooh, the evil doors!  
  
Zephon: AHHHHHH!!  
(and so Zefon throws them out of the vehicle and the two walk up to the Wal- Mart...)  
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Magnuz hoops yoo liik'd this chapter and the next one wil be up soon!!  
{Magnus' Fanfic Ends}  
(So the next day Magnus signed on and had 6 reviews)  
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Banana_Pudding_Yummy (aka Zephon) Signed "Man, you have no idea how hard it is working with my dumber brothers. I think there are jealous of me. Well, keep up the good work."  
  
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Mr. D (aka Dumah) Signed "Hey sucka, I read this fic and the next time I see ya, I'm gonna pound ya real good sucka!"  
  
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I'mLikeALego (aka Melchiah) Signed "Hahahahaha, that's Raziel and Dumah alright!"  
  
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PopStar (aka Turel) Signed "Very good work, I am the best super-hero ever. Can't wait to see what happens next!"  
  
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TheSavior (aka Raziel) Signed "I am seriously gonna give you a pretzel and see if you choke on it!"  
  
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IruleYouSuck (aka Kain) Signed "Hey everyone, wanna hear my 'Magnus is a Dirty ManWhore" song? Hear it goes: Magnus be a dirty manwhore, a really really dirty SOB manwhore!"  
  
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At long last, I've finally updated this again. April 5th really is my birthday, hooray for me, I'll be 17 and I'll even act like a 17 year old, in other words, I'll act immature! Anyway, the next chapter will be about their adventures in Wal-Mart and you can choose what stupid thing they'll do to get them wanted by the Wal-Mart staff. Well, see you next chapter! 


	6. Bovine Launcher

Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or its characters  
  
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A/N: The random winner for this chapter is AkikoStar! And that was a good suggestion, seeing as how Razzyboy and Dumah don't know how to open doors! (man, the nickname Razzyboy that I came up with has been getting really popular. At least, I think I was the first to use it)  
  
[The scene opens up at a government press conference and there's a government official speaking to other government officials]  
  
Gov. Official: Today I have called all you officials here so we can fight an extreme danger. And that danger is video games.  
  
German Official: Hail Hitler!  
  
Gov. Official: Excuse me, but shut up! Anyway, video games are getting too violent these days. You can find the kind of violence in video games that you can in R-rated movies, and that's just bad!  
  
German Official: Hail Hitler!  
  
Gov. Official: German Official, shut up! Back to the point, adults like us whine about the video games because we don't play them, even if they are like R-rated movies. And we don't bitch about them because we watch them!  
  
German Official: Hail Hitler!  
  
British Official: Shut you're dirty mouth ya tosser!  
  
Gov. Official: Back to the point! Video games are too violent! They need to be less violent and more lovable by the whole family like Mario! So I hereby ban Mature rated video games like Legacy of Kain series and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City from Nosgoth and all the world!  
  
(all the officials were cheering then Kain and Magnus walked into the room wearing tuxedos. Kain and Magnus walked up to the government official)  
  
Kain: Are you the one protesting and banning Mature rated games?  
  
Gov. Official: Yes because they corrupt children! Mature rated games are garbage that must be eradicated! Help join the fight against video games today!  
  
(then Kain punches the Gov. Official in the face as hard as he could, almost knocking the Gov. Official out. Then Magnus chewed on the Gov. Official. Then Magnus stood behind Kain and Kain and Magnus looked at the people reading this fic right now)  
  
Kain: Please people, help us fight video game protesters like this little sissypiss and join the "Video Games Forever" movement!  
  
Magnus: SISSYPISS? MEAT!  
  
(then Tommy Vercetti walks in)  
  
Tommy: (to Gov. Official) Hey, I heard the stupid crap you were saying about me!  
  
(then Tommy Vercetti kicked the Gov. Official)  
  
Tommy: (to Kain) Hey Kain, wanna go kill some innocent civilians?  
  
Kain: Damn straight! Let's go!  
  
(then Kain and Tommy leave)  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS NO LIKE GOV. OFFICIAL! MEAT!  
  
(so after Magnus ate the Gov. Official he submitted the next chapter for his story)  
  
{Magnus' fanfic begins}  
  
Dizzclaamer: Magnus no own LoK or it is carakterz  
  
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[The sene is outsiid of Wal-Mart and Razzyboy and Duma hav just walk'd up to the otomatic dooors, but they arn't close enuff for the dooors to open]  
  
Raziel: My god! The dooors!  
  
Dumah: Wat do we do!?!?  
  
Raziel: Duma, thees dooors must stay dead!  
  
Dumah: Wat ar yoo talking about?  
  
Raziel: Sory. Flashback.  
  
(then sumone walk'd up to the dooor and the dooor otomaticaly open'd. Razzyboy and Duma wached on in amaazment)  
  
Raziel: Now how in Lucifer's hotdogs did he do that?  
  
Dumah: Yeh, he open'd the dreaded dooor by magik.  
  
Raziel: We must get in!!  
  
(so they step'd forward and the dooor otomaticaly open'd. Razzyboy and Duma wer in incredibl shok)  
  
Raziel: WOW!!  
  
Dumah: The dooor. It open'd!  
  
Raziel: THE DOOOR OPEN'D!  
  
Dumah: Haliluya!  
  
(they wer so excit'd that they hugg'd and proposed a weding, but they turn'd eech other down. They wern't redy for that kiind of comitment. So they walk'd into the dooor and they thought they wer going blind)  
  
Raziel: AHH! Wat's that horible radiation thats blinding us?  
  
Dumah: Ah, I think I feeel myself going sterile!  
  
Moebius (a Wal-Mart employee): That "horible radiation" is the light bulb on the ceiling.  
  
Raziel: Light bulb?  
  
Moebius: Yeh. Yoo presss a swich and light coms on.  
  
Dumah: Yoo can do that?  
  
Raziel: Ar yoo a god?  
  
(Razzyboy and Duma looks stupidly at Moebius)  
  
Moebius: Um...YES!! I AM THE GOD OF SEX!  
  
Raziel: If hes the god of sex and can also magiklly maak light appear then sex equals light!  
  
Dumah: Wel pinch my man-titties!  
  
[Meanwile, back in the DuckMobile, Kain and Melchiah wer...smothering eech other and Magnus was seeeing how many licks it took to get to the center of a toootsi-pop wile Rahab admir'd him, Turel was makin duck balloons and Zefon was going over plans to kil the idiots]  
  
Magnus: 5 licks...  
  
Rahab: 5 licks sir!  
  
Magnus: 6 licks...  
  
Rahab: Um, 91 licks I think? I've forgoten. Im so proud to be here wile yoo taak on this daunting task of the number of licks! Yoo're so braav! Ive got to admiir yoor balls!  
  
Kain: (this gets Princess Kain's attention) Did sumone say sumthing?  
  
Turel: Duckies ar yellow! YELLOW'S COOOL! Viva la duckies!  
  
Kain: Duckies ar sexy too!  
  
Melchiah: Wat about me?  
  
Kain: Yoo haav very sexy toenails!  
  
Melchiah: I AM THE TOENAIL KING!  
  
(Zefon bends over in his seat and fiinds sumthing)  
  
Zephon: HeylookwhatIfound! (snorts)  
  
(It turns out that Zefon found a high-power'd gun. Wen he loook'd bac up, all the others wer hiding sumwere)  
  
Zephon: Wowtheseguysaren'tasstupidasIthought! (snorts)  
  
[Bac at Wal-Mart, Moebius was busying admiring hisself wile Razzyboy and Duma serched for milk and cookies. They wer serching random shelves]  
  
Dumah: Hey, wat's this? Is this coookies?  
  
(Duma hands Razzyboy a pear of pantyhose)  
  
Raziel: It loooks liik coookies. No waat, thees ar hats!  
  
(so Razzyboy and Duma put the pear of pantyhoses on their heds)  
  
Dumah: I feeel dashing!  
  
Raziel: I feeel sensuous!  
  
Dumah: Lets keeep loooking.  
  
(so razzyboy and Duma wander'd around Wal-Mart wearing a pair of pantyhoses on their heds. Then Duma spots a fire-escape dooor)  
  
Dumah: Another dooor! Lets open it the way we open'd the front dooor!  
  
(so Duma ran hed-first into the fiir-escape dooor, hurting his hed badly, but the dooor slamm'd open and the fiir alarm went offf. Raziel ran also but he could'nt see through the pantyhose he had on his hed so he veer'd off-course and ran into a pregnancy- testing machiin. Raziel loook'd at it and it was positiv)  
  
Raziel: I'm pregnit!  
  
(so Raziel walk'd over to Duma who was stumbling to get up. Then Moebius walk'd over to them)  
  
Moebius: Dod yoo two set offf this alarm?  
  
Dumah: Yes and I hurt liik Hel!  
  
(then Moebius pulls a fully grown bovine out of his poket. Moebius lifts the bovine by it's tail then he slaped Duma and Raziel with the bovine)  
  
Raziel: Ive beeen bovine slaped!  
  
Dumah: Bovine not my friend!  
  
(then Moebius puled a bazooka out of his poket. But the bazooka was'nt looded with rokets. No, much worse. It was looded with bovines!)  
  
Moebius: Say hello to my milk-spewing friend!  
  
Raziel and Dumah: AHHHHHH!! A BOVINE LAUNCHER!!  
  
(so Moebius chaas'd Raziel and Duma all over Wal-Mart wile launching bovines at them. But suddenly I Magnus must end this fic on a clifhanger. Leeving on clifhangers ar al the raag thees dayz)  
  
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Wel, I hoop yoo liik'd this chapter, Il'l get the next one up soon!  
  
{The end of Magnus' fic}  
  
(so the next day Magnus went back and had 6 reviews!)  
  
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Banana_Pudding_Yummy (aka Zephon) Signed "Yep, it's really hard work having to put up with idiots. Just because I'm totally stupid doesn't mean I'm stupid! Wait, that doesn't make sense."  
  
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King_Of_Beating_The_Sh**_Out_Of_People (aka Dumah) Signed "I HATE YOU MAGNUS! I'LL GET YOU GET FOR THIS!! I can't even FIT panty hoses on my head!"  
  
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I'mLikeALego (aka Melchiah) Signed "I have been psychologically scarred forever now."  
  
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PopStar (aka Turel) Signed "Ducky ducky ducky, I made you out of rubber! Ducky ducky ducky, with ducky I will play!"  
  
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Evil_WMD (aka WMD's evil alter ego) SIGNED "AHAHAHAHAHA!! I'm gonna make this fic totally stupid and insane! Wait a minute, this fic already IS stupid and insane! Dammit!"  
  
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IruleYouSuck (aka Kain) Signed "Good news! M-Rated games won't be banned! I still hate you though!"  
  
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Well, I've finaly updated. In the next chapter, Moebius chases Razzyboy and Dumah and the others in the DuckMobile! But Turel picks up Vorador, an illegal hitchhiker! And you get to choose what kind of totally deranged and stupid crime he's commited against the Sarafan Lord! Make sure its stupid or weird! 


	7. Greeny Wang

Disclaimer: I DO NOT own LoK or any or its characters ______________________________________________________________________  
  
A/N: This chapter's random winner is none other than OrpheumZero and bahamut  
  
((The scene is an award's show in Nosgoth. Kain and the lieutenants are in the audience, as well as thousands of other vampires. Magnus is up front hosting and giving out awards))  
  
Magnus: WELL, WELCOME TO THE NOSGOTH MOVIE AWARDS!  
  
Kain: I'm gonna win this for sure! No other movie even touched Blood Omen 1!  
  
Turel: Well what about Can't Catch Me?  
  
Kain: SHUTTUP YOU!!  
  
Magnus: THE NOMINEES FOR BEST ACTION SEQUENCE IN A MOVIE ARE: KAIN VERSUS THE ARMY OF BAD GUYS DURING THE WILLIAM THE JUST INVASION!  
  
(shows scene from that time during Kain Presents: Blood Omen 1 when Zephon had to take over for Kain)  
  
Magnus: THE OTHER NOMINEE IS MARCUS IN "CAN'T CATCH ME!"  
  
(shows scene where Marcus is boringly walking away from five people, who are also boringly walking, or "chasing", Marcus. Then Marcus hops on a chair, screams unemotionally and the five people chasing Marcus run away)  
  
Magnus: AND THE WINNER IS...MARCUS FROM "CAN'T CATCH ME!"  
  
Kain: What!? But Marcus is a complete assbag! That scene was as dull as Zephon's head!!  
  
(Marcus walks up and accepts the award)  
  
Marcus: Thank you! Thank you! I'm so glad I won and beat my "competition." Kain's movie was so STUPID and so DULL! Let's all point as Kain and laugh!  
  
(so everyone, even the lieutenants, point at Kain and laugh. Kain is fuming)  
  
Dumah: (pointing at Kain) What a loser!  
  
(then Kain punches Raziel. Then Marcus sits down and Magnus gets ready for the next award)  
  
Magnus: THIS NEXT NOMINEE GOES TO BEST ACTOR. THE NOMINEES ARE: KAIN FROM BLOOD OMEN 1!  
  
(shows scene with Kain yelling "Vae Victus!")  
  
Magnus: RAZIEL FOR WHATEVER THE HELL ROLE HE'S PLAYED, IF HE'S EVEN PLAYED A ROLL! IF NOT, HE'S STILL NOMINATED FOR THE HELL OF IT! THEN THERE'S MARCUS FROM "CAN'T CATCH ME!" AND THE SARAFAN LORD AS "Trixie" IN THE SAME MOVIE!  
  
(shows scene where Marcus sleepily and unemotionally says "can't catch me" and the SL dressed up in tight tights saying in a high pitch "Ooh!")  
  
Magnus: THE WINNER IS...IT'S A TIE BETWEEN MARCUS, THE SARAFAN LORD, AND RAZIEL!  
  
(Marcus, SL, and Raziel all walk up to receive an award)  
  
Raziel: Thank you everyone! Oh, and I would LOVE to quote a quote from the sequel that's in progress. Hey Kain, you SYUUUUUCK!!!! Yep, you really SUUUUUUUUCK!!  
  
SL: Kain has vweird 'air!  
  
Marcus: SL has a weird accent. He said Kain has weird hair!  
  
Raziel: Kain's a bully! He SUUUUUCKS!! Hahahahahahah!  
  
(so everyone went back to laughing at Kain and Kain released his anger on poor Rahab by throwing a stapler at his head)  
  
Magnus: WELL, MAGNUS IS DONE HERE! MAGNUS WILL LET MARCUS ANNOUNCE BEST MOVIE! PEACE OUT!  
  
(so Magnus leaves and goes back to the Pillars, careful to avoid Kain. Then Magnus submits his next chapter)  
  
{Magnus' fanfic begins}  
  
Deesclaamer: Meee doon't ooown LoooK ooor aaany ooof eet's charakterz  
  
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((The sceen is stil insiid of Wal-Mart. Mobeus is stil chasing Raziel and Duma and Mobeus is stil trying to bovine-slap them. Raziel and Duma stil haav pantyhose on their heds))  
  
Raziel: AHHHHH!!  
  
Dumah: Ther must be sumthing we can do!!  
  
Raziel: Sumone's bound to saav us!!  
  
Dumah: Wat we neeed now is a super-hero!  
  
Raziel: We can beecom super-heros!  
  
Dumah: How???  
  
Raziel: Just follow my leed.  
  
(then Mobeus caches up to them. But wen he was about to bovine-slap them, Raziel and Duma stoood beesiid eech other and dun sumthing totaly unexpected)  
  
Raziel and Dumah: Might Morphing Panyhose-Head Time!  
  
Chorus: Go go Pantyhose-Head Rangers! Go go Pantyhose-Head Rangers!  
  
(then Raziel and Duma locked arms and ran around in circles singing the Mighty Morphing Pantyhose-Head Theme Song and wen they stop'd, they look'd exactly liik they did beefor)  
  
Raziel: Ha! Wat do yoo think uf us now?  
  
Dumah: Yeh!  
  
Moebius: Oh yeh?? Wel I wil beecom the most evil villain ever maad! Muahahahahaha!  
  
Raziel: Not even yoo can defeet the Pantyhose-Head Rangers!  
  
Moebius: Im aboot too transform!  
  
(then Mobeus gets a phone call)  
  
Moebius: Helo? Hey Mortanius, honey. Yes, Im aboot too transform. No, I have'nt seeen yoor birth control pils. Yes, Il'l be home in tiim for supper. No, I have'nt beeen cheating on yoo with that donkey that I found so atractive. Yes, once wen I was in bed. No, only wen I haav on my birthday costume. Yes, but that was on acident. Okay, yoo satisfied? Okay, I gota go, see ya at home.  
  
Raziel: ???  
  
Dumah: ???  
  
((the sceen is now the Duck-Mobile that was waiting outsiid. Turel was start'ng to get worried))  
  
Turel: Im start'ng too get worried. I must saav them!!  
  
(then Turel jump'd out the window becaus he forgot he had a dooor)  
  
Turel: EAT MY DUCKIES!!!  
  
(then Turel ran insiid Wal-Mart. But the sceen is stil the Duck-Mobile)  
  
Zephon: Whataretard. (snorts)  
  
Kain: I bet retards liik him haav a nice buttt.  
  
Zephon: (aiming his gun at her) YesIbetyouthinktheydoyouslut. (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: Do'nt shooot her!  
  
Rahab: Id taak a bullet for Magnus! Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!  
  
Magnus: That wo'nt be necesary.  
  
Melchiah: Ca'nt we just driiv off without him. We stil neeed to fiind the Great Holy Meat.  
  
Magnus: Good idea.  
  
(so Magnus start driiving offf, but a few seconds laater, a greeen dude jumps on their window)  
  
Magnus: AHHHHH!!!  
  
Rahab: AHHHHH!!! Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!  
  
Zephon: You'vesaidthatalready!! (snorts)  
  
Rahab: Haav I?  
  
Melchiah: AHHH!!  
  
Kain: AHHHH!! Hey, that greeen thing loooks sexy.  
  
(they stop and the greeen thing cliims in throo the window)  
  
Magnus: Who ar yoo?  
  
Green Dude: Helo. My naam is Vorador.  
  
Rahab: Do'nt yoo even think aboot hurting Magnus! Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!  
  
Zephon: SomebodypunchRahabout! (snorts)  
  
Melchiah: Wel, helo Vorador, why-  
  
Vorador: Do'nt cal me Vorador!  
  
Melchiah: Why not?  
  
Vorador: Thats a really stupid sounding naam. Cal me...Greeny Wang.  
  
Zephon: Riiiiiiiiight...  
  
Vorador: The naam Greeny Wang is much moor respectable.  
  
Kain: Wow, Greeny Wang. I liik that naam.  
  
Melchiah: (glars at Kain then loooks at Vorador) Wel Greeny Wang, wat brings yoo here?  
  
Vorador: Im want'd!  
  
Melchiah: Why's that?  
  
(Vorador flashes al of them. Obviously he's wearing nothing underneath)  
  
Kain: Wow! Again! Again!  
  
Zephon: (aims his gun at Vorador's crotch) Yesflashusagain. (snorts)  
  
Rahab: Id sacrafiic my balls for Magnus!  
  
Zephon: That'sit! (snorts)  
  
(Zefon shooots Rahab in the fooot)  
  
Rahab: Ouchkabibbles!  
  
Melchiah: Do'nt even do that again. My slutty woman liiks that sort of thing.  
  
Vorador: (puls a Bagel out of his poket) This is another reeson Im wanted.  
  
Melchiah: So? It's a bagel.  
  
Vorador: It is the Sarafan Lord's super-duper, one-of-a-kind, glow-in-the- dark, praised-by-a-rabbi Bagel! I stole it from the SL!  
  
Melchiah: So, yoo're wanted for flashing and for the bagel.  
  
Vorador: Yep! (sees Kain) Helo, who is this sexy vixen?  
  
Melchiah: Stay away from her!  
  
Kain: Im Kain. Greeny Wang, I think yoo're sexy.  
  
Vorador: Yoo too.  
  
(so Vorador and Kain cliim into the back seet and maak out)  
  
Melchiah: (irrriated sigh) I really really haat Vorador.  
  
Vorador: (from the back seet) Cal me Greeny Wang!  
  
Kain: GREENY WANG!  
  
Vorador: (to Kain) Not yoo!  
  
Rahab: Why am I in soo much pain!? (loooks to his fooot) When did I get shot?  
  
Zephon: GodwhatdidIdotogetstuckwiththeseretards!?!? (snorts)  
  
(then the Duck-Mobile just driivs offf into the road as they continued their serch for the Great Holy Meat)  
  
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Wel, I hope that yoo enjoy'd this chapter and Il'l try to get the next one up sooon.  
  
{[Magnus' fanfic ends]}  
  
((the next day Magnus checks his fic and finds some new reviews))  
  
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The_Matrix (aka The Wachowski Brothers) SIGNED "Wow, this is, without dought, the best thing I have ever read! This is just freakin' amazing! Hell, this would make the best movie ever made! Even Neo thinks this is the best thing ever! I am really impressed! Neo wants Magnus' autograph!"  
  
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Masamune (aka Sephiroth) SIGNED "Oh my god, this kicks soooo much ass!!! I am honored to have read this fic, it is so damn good! I'd trade my Masamune just to meet Magnus for a second, this just is so awesome! Oh my god, I'm beginning to sound like a fangirl, but it doesn't matter, this fic deserves it!!"  
  
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Evil_Person (aka Dr. Evil) SIGNED "You have given me a great idea! I will find the Great Holy Meat before you and hold the frickin' thing for ransom for 1 million dollars! Mwahahahahahaha!!"  
  
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The_Devil (aka Satan) Anonymous "I, Satan, can approve of this bitchin fic, yo? Dawg, this fic is bitchen, it is the perfect tool for torturing the French! And my psychologist, Concept of a Demon, agrees with me!"  
  
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Smeg_Head (aka Arnold Rimmer) SIGNED "You know, I bet that I could be related to Magnus. I can tell that Magnus is obviously Christopher Columbus' cousin because of how respectable Magnus is. I MUST be related to Magnus! Arnold Magnus Judas Rimmer. Nice ring to it."  
  
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((The scene is now that same day. The lieutenants are all gathered around a TV and Kain walks up to the VCR and puts a movie in))  
  
Melchiah: What are we watching?  
  
Kain: "Can't Catch Me" starring Marcus and directed and produced by Marcus. I wanna see what all the fuss is about.  
  
{["Can't Catch Me" begins]}  
  
((the scene is an alleyway with a chair at the end. Marcus unemotionally walks around then the SL shows up behind him. The SL is wearing very tight tights that are pink)  
  
SL: Ooh! My villain friends, catch Marcus!  
  
(then five vampires come up beside the SL. Then Marcus is boringly walking away from five people, who are also boringly walking, or "chasing", Marcus. Then Marcus hops on a chair, screams unemotionally and the five people chasing Marcus run away)  
  
SL: Oh no, I have been defeated!  
  
Marcus: Can't catch me!  
  
(then the words "THE END" appear)  
  
{["Can't Catch Me" ends]}  
  
(Kain and the lieutenants are just staring at the screen in disbelief. Then- -)  
  
Lieutenants (minus Raziel): THAT WAS AWESOME!!! That was SO cool! It's much better than Blood Omen 1!  
  
Kain: WHAT!?!? How did that beat--!?!?  
  
Raziel: Yeah, that was horrible!  
  
Kain: Shut up Razzyboy!  
  
Zephon: Oh my god, that was the coolest thing ever!  
  
Dumah: Badass!  
  
Rahab: Yeah, can't wait for the sequel!  
  
Turel: Awesome!  
  
Kain: I hate everything...  
  
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Well, after a long delay I've finally got this updated. I had writer's block for a long time because I couldn't find a way to make this stupid and hilarious as usual but I think I done good in this chapter. Took me forever to shrug off the writer's block. Anyway, you get to choose what kind of incredibly stupid or ridiculous villain that Moebius becomes! And remember, I need at least ONE reviewer to make a suggestion because without you people, this can't go on (well, it could but it wouldn't be as unique). So, hope you liked this chapter and, of course, don't forget to review! 


	8. Big Hands McMoebius

Disclaimer: I don't own nothin'  
  
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A/N: Today's random winner is Digital Jessie!  
  
((The scene is a studio in Nosgoth. This studio just happens to be a live show called Jerry Springer. Magnus and Kain are present and sitting down on stage as the show is about them. Jerry Springer has an audience in the background; one of the audience members in Janos)  
  
Jerry Springer: So Mr. Kain, why are you here?  
  
Kain: Why? Why?? (points to Magnus) Because this #$*&, ^&*%, $#@* ate my son!  
  
Audience: Boo!!  
  
Magnus: MAGNUS DID NOT!  
  
Kain: Yes you did you &%$#, %$*&, %$#$%!!  
  
Magnus: OH YEAH! WELL COME AND SAY THAT TO MAGNUS' FACE YOU *&$#!!  
  
Kain: Oh yeah! Well, go %$*& $#%^ $%^% **&^&*!!  
  
Jerry Springer: Ok, calm down people!  
  
Kain: Well that %$&*&* ate my son!  
  
Janos (in the audience) Make love, not war!  
  
Magnus: I DIDN'T EAT YOUR SON!  
  
Kain: We-oh yeah, you DIDN'T eat my son. I tried to force-feed you Razzyboy but you wouldn't eat him. Then why am I here? Oh yeah. Magnus thinks I'm a slutty princess!  
  
Janos: Slutty! Slutty! Slutty!  
  
Audience: SLUTTY! SLUTTY! SLUTTY! SLUTTY!  
  
Kain: No!! You're supposed to hate Magnus!! I'll kill you *&^%, $^%&%, %$^&%!!  
  
Magnus: WELL KAIN KINDA LOOKS LIKE A SLUT!  
  
Kain: I'll &^%$#^ kill you!!  
  
(then Kain lunged at Magnus, but the guard, who is Dark-Sephy, zaps Kain with a tazer)  
  
Janos: You can do it! Zap Kain with the tazer!  
  
Jerry Springer: Okay, everyone calm down. Now Magnus, I think you've really pissed Kain off.  
  
Magnus: BUT KAIN DOES LOOK LIKE A SLUT!  
  
Kain: %^&%$#, $#^&*%, ^*&&%^, #%&& you Magnus!  
  
(then Jerry grabs hold of Kain)  
  
Jerry: Shh! Shh! Everything's okay Kain. Sit down, everything will be okay.  
  
Janos: Kain's a freak!  
  
Audience: KAIN'S A FREAK! KAIN'S A FREAK! KAIN'S A FREAK! KAIN'S A FREAK!  
  
Janos: These audience members are so easy.  
  
Jerry: Well Kain, we've got a special guest for you. Come on out Raziel!  
  
(so Raziel walks on out)  
  
Raziel: (to Kain) Why'd you try to force-feed me to Magnus?  
  
Kain: Because you're so annoying that I'd rather have a splinter stuck up my ass.  
  
Janos: Kain likes sticking sharp stuff up his ass!  
  
Audience: Boo! Raziel: So you don't like me?  
  
Kain: Let me put it this way. If you, me, and Magnus were the only vampires left in Nosgoth, I'd be trying to start a family with Magnus instead.  
  
Raziel: (cries out loud)  
  
Audience: Boo!  
  
(then Dark-Sephy zaps Kain for fun. A large mosh-pit is started. Magnus takes this time to flee and post the next chapter of his fanfic)  
  
{[ Magnus' Fanfic Begins]}  
  
Dissclamer: Magnus no owwn LoK or eets caracters  
  
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((The sceen is insiid Wal-Mart wher Raziel and Dumah, no longer in ther Panty-Hose Head Ranger costooms, ar shaking, scare'd)  
  
Raziel: Hey! Wat happen'd to our costooms?  
  
Dumah: I kno wat happen'd!  
  
Raziel: Wat?  
  
Dumah: Wel, when I was 5, I stuck a snow cone up my nose and when I was 26 I hit my hed on a rock. Ther ya go!  
  
Raziel: But that does'nt anser anything!!  
  
Dumah: Oh yeh. Then I gess that was a pretty crapy excuse.  
  
(now the sceen shifts over to Mobeus, who was rite in front of them)  
  
Moebius: Imbeciles!! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!! I shal transform into my uber-vilian form!  
  
(then, all of a suden, Mobeus' hands grew large liik they wer being inflaated by heleum)  
  
Moebius: Come, Hands of Doom!  
  
(then Mobeus' hands grew eeven larger til they wer about the siiz of Raziel and Dumah. Raziel and Dumah shiver'd in feer)  
  
Moebius: Haha! I am Big Hands McMoebius!  
  
(Big Hands McMoebius was just about to anal-time-streamer-slap Raziel and Dumah wen a yelow blur sped past Raziel and Dumah and Big Hands McMoebius' hands got block'd by...Ducky Man's Duckymune! The Duckymune was a powerful Duck-sord)  
  
Moebius: Curses!  
  
Turel: Holy crap in a shingle! Eet's Big Hands McMoebius!  
  
Dumah: Whos he?  
  
Turel: An eevil Scotish time-streamer!  
  
Raziel: Oh no, Im reely scared!! Wat shal we do!?  
  
Turel: Do'nt worry! Iv'e got us cover'd!  
  
Moebius: No one can withstand my anal-time-streamer-slap atack!  
  
Turel: Oh yeh? Ducky Summon!!  
  
(then everywon disapeared except Big Hands McMoebius and then a huge asss rubber duck apears and quacs then Turel, Raziel, and Dumah re-apears)  
  
Turel: Ducky my loyal servent, lets defete Big Hands McMoebius!  
  
Moebius: Oh yeh Ducky Man-chan! Wel, Il'l slap yoo with my huge asss hands AND Il'l thro my balls at yoo!  
  
Dumah: Oka-y.  
  
(then Big Hands McMoebius puled out 5 half-white half-black balls)  
  
Raziel: Im so glad Kain was'nt heer to hear that.  
  
Turel: Oh yeh? Wel my Ducky Summon wil cast a Quacktima spel!  
  
Moebius: Oh yeh? Wel my Big Handy Balls wil captur yoor Ducky and eet yoo!  
  
Turel: Oh yeh? Wel my Ducky Summon wil cast Thunquacka and shock yoo!  
  
Moebius: Oh yeh? Wel my Big Handy Balls wil taak away half yoor HP, SP, MP, and QDHSJDJP! Il'l use my Big Handy Balls to summon Middle-Fingerkachu!  
  
Raziel (to Dumah): Wat the hell is goin on?  
  
Dumah (to Raziel): I do'nt kno.  
  
Turel: Atack Ducky Summon!  
  
Moebius: Atack Middle-Fingerkachu!  
  
(so Big Hands McMoebius threw one of hees Big Handy Balls and it exploded, reveeling some weird creeture and the words "Middle-Fingerkachu" apeared under eet)  
  
Dumah: Hey, eet looks liik Middle-Fingerkachu is giving me the finger!  
  
(so then Ducky Summon fel on Middle-Fingerkachu and they both turn'd gray, signifying they wer kill'd. Ducky Man and Big Hands McMoebius' faces wer zooomed up on with blue streaks of air apearing behind them)  
  
Turel: No! Not Ducky Summon!  
  
Moebius: No! Not Middle-Fingerkachu!!  
  
Raziel: (to Dumah) Ar we supposed to be sad here or wat?  
  
Dumah: (to Raziel) I do'nt kno. I haav no clue wat the hell's going on.  
  
Turel: Yoo wil pay! (then Ducky Man equipped the Duckymune and ran and sliced Big Hands McMoebius 16 tiims, but he slash'd so quickly that it only look'd liik 1 tiim)  
  
Raziel: Wow! How many tiims did yoo hit him!  
  
Turel: Only 16.  
  
Raziel: 16! I only counted 9!  
  
Dumah: I only count'd 1.  
  
Raziel: Thats cause yoo ca'nt count.  
  
(but Big Hands McMoebius was'nt dead yet. He stoood back up)  
  
Moebius: Yoo shal pay! Il'l summon one of my beter Big Handy Balls! I wil summon...Freezer!!  
  
(then some cat-lookin thing came up and turn'd into a freezer)  
  
Turel: O no!! Eet's Freezer!  
  
Raziel: I stil haav no clue wat the crap's going on.  
  
Turel: I shal fight yoo Freezer!  
  
(Ducky Man point'd the Duckymune at Freezer then he ran over to Freezer, wich an inanimate object, and after a long hard battle, Ducky Man was victorius with only 3 HP left)  
  
Turel: Phew, Freezer almost kill'd me.  
  
Raziel: Yay! Now we can continu our quest for milk and coookies!  
  
Turel: Wher's Big Hands McMoebius?  
  
(it turns out that whiil Ducky Man was fightin Freezer, Big Hands McMoebius ran away with al the coookies and milk!)  
  
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Magnus left another clifhanger! Wil Raziel, Dumah, and Ducky Man ever defete Big Hands McMoebius? Fiind out on the chapter after next!!  
  
{[ Magnus' Fanfic ends ]}  
  
((the next day, Magnus returns and finds 4 new reviews!))  
  
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Red_Head (aka Pyramid Head) SIGNED  
  
"You have a terrific fic here! I will now go see if I can find Big Hands McMoebius and cut his sorry ass up with my Mighty Stick!"  
  
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Pikachu (aka Pikachu) Anonymous  
  
"PIKACHU!! Pikachu pikachu pikachu pikachu!! Pikachu pikachu!"  
  
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Meat_Meat_Meat_Vegetable (aka The Magnus Inquisition) SIGNED  
  
"We, the Magnus Inquisition, has given this fic the Seal of Meat Approvement! We are proud to know such a noble Magnus! Meat! Meat! Meat! Vegetable!"  
  
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Streamer (aka Moebius) SIGNED  
  
"Hey hey hey, you know what they say about guys with big hands..."  
  
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(then Magnus decided to block Moebius from reviewing cause Moebius' review was just...gross)  
  
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Hey, I updated again in under a month! I'm so proud of myself. I was just gonna update Soul Reaver 3 now, but even though I knew how the middle and end of the story would go, I didn't and still don't know how to start the damn chapter, can't think of anything really funny. So I updated this. In the next chapter, Magnus and the others meet Janos, who tells them how to achieve their goal. But first they must successfully perform and incredibly stupid challenge (you know, like on some of those stupid reality TV shows) and you readers, of course, get to choose! Heh, I pissed off Pikachu, stupid Pokemon (no offense if anyone actually likes the show). Well, I hope to update soon and get inspired for my SR3! 


End file.
